Prime Minister – Borrow My Johnson – fired from The Times for generating fake news and lying, philanders his way across London scattering ruined women and bastards in his wake; incapable of organising anything except continuous oratory and unprotected ejaculation. Leader of a sclerotic party in Parliament which has doubled the public debt and achieved record levels of non-performance in every area of public service since coming to power.

Objectives – seducing more women than Casanova, and making popular speeches ‘like Churchill did’.

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster – Make Your Grave – the foundling who turned his back on his adopted parents and reinvented himself as a country ‘gentleman’. Fiddled his expenses in 2012, was caught by the Daily Telegraph and made to repay some money by Cameron, who he hates as a consequence. Has betrayed every relative, colleague and friend at some point. Totally deranged, and socially inept.

Objectives: Become ever richer from taxpayer funds, destroy the Good Friday agreement and bring civil war back to the UK in order to reintroduce martial law in Ireland. Become PM to bring ‘strong leadership’ back to the country, after fomenting sufficient unrest to destroy other candidates.

Leader of the House – Jake Smug – honorable member for the 17th century, biggest insider trader of all time, and agent of the Vatican. First such person to be appointed to a government since 1685, when King William invaded from The Netherlands to clear the rot off the Tory benches.

Objectives: Become ever richer by manipulating sterling volatility, which he causes and his family hedge fund profits from after he married into serious money. Destroy the Good Friday agreement and the Act of Union, and bring Catholicism back to Northern Ireland, Scotland and England.

Home Secretary – Pretty Prattle – fired for corruption after she undermined British government policy by selling information to the Israeli government to promote its interests and oppose official British policy. Now responsible for the same prisons to which she was almost sent. Famous for her abrasive bullying style, describing British workers and civil servants as some of the laziest in the world. Has never done a productive day’s work herself…

Objectives: Scrounge as much taxpayers money for herself as possible, and badger her colleagues to give her more power at every opportunity.

Transport Secretary – Michael Green – aka Grant Shapps, author of the Filthy Rich series of books on how to scam victims and make yourself F****** Rich. Charges thousands of pounds for victims to attend his large seminars where he teaches them how to exploit the Internet to scam users. Banned from Wikipedia for hacking fake information into its database. Sees India’s roads and railways as a perfectly good standard for people who don’t own private helicopters.

Objectives: Make tons of money personally by exploiting his responsibilities for spending billions of taxpayer pounds without improving Britain’s road and rail infrastructure.