B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells

They hired him because he was so funny….. This is a genuine application form for a position at B&Q. Wouldn’t you just love to!!!……………

NAME:    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) 

SEX:       Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:       Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY:          £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package.  If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION:        Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:   Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:        A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:        My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION:         It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:           Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:      1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:   Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:   If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:           Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:    I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:    On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:   Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:       7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:   Oh Yes, Absolutely.

Many thanks to Alison Smith for bring this to our attention

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